Hogwarts Reacts to A Very Potter Musical!
by Catietheawesome
Summary: Dumbledore cancels class and show the students a Muggle American play...about them! Buckle up, Hogwarts. I do not own A Very Potter Musical. Sadly. Go watch it on YouTube if ye be a true Potterhead!
1. Act 1, Scene 1

**I just love AVPM, so I had to write this story! Don't judge too harshly. :)**

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"Attention!" called Albus Dumbledore. "Attention, Hogwarts students!"

The students looked up from their chatter over the breakfast table in the Great Hall and looked up at their headmaster.

"Thank you. Now, I would like to announce that classes for today are canceled."

The students cheered. Except, of course, for Hermione, who looked distraught.

"Instead, we shall be watching a YouTube video I have discovered online," Dumbledore continued.

"What's a YouTube?" someone shouted.

"It's a place on the Muggle Internet," Hermione replied. "They use it to share videos with each other."

"What's a video?"

"It's like a miniature movie."

"Thank you, Miss Granger," said Dumbledore. "Now, this video I have found is called _A Very Potter Musical_."

Everyone immediately looked at Harry. Harry slunk down in his seat.

"It is a play performed by an American theatre group called 'Starkid Productions'," Dumbledore continued. "The story is about life at our school, Hogwarts. And, as the title would suggest, the main character is our very own Harry Potter."

Harry Potter squirmed down further. Malfoy and the other Slytherins were snickering.

"Sir? How does a Muggle theatre group from America know about Hogwarts?" called Ron.

"That, Mr. Weasley, I do not know. Now, let us watch the show."

Dumbledore conjured a huge screen on the wall of the room. It turned on. A sketch of a flying lion appeared on the screen, along with the word "**STARKID**". The image was accompanied by music. The image transitioned to a disclaimer: _This Fan Musical is produced and performed solely for the personal, non-commercial enjoyment of ourselves and other Harry Potter fans. _

"'Harry Potter fans'! Looks like Potter's started himself a fan club!" jeered Draco.

"Ten points from Slytherin!" said McGonagall.

_It is in no way sponsored, approved, endorsed by or affiliated with J.K. Rowling or Warner Bros. or any of their affiliates._

"Who the bloody hell is J.K. Rowling?" said Fred.

"And who are the Warner Brothers?" added George.

The screen again changed to a banner reading "**A VERY POTTER MUSICAL**", with subscript underneath saying, "The Fan Made Musical".

The image faded away, and showed the lights coming up on a dark stage. A singular spot light shown down on a teenage boy sitting on a suitcase. He had dark curly hair and glasses, and was wearing a Hogwarts uniform, complete with a red and gold Gryffindor tie.

"Harry! That's you!" gasped Hermione.

"Oh, really?!" said Ron sarcastically.

McGonagall shushed them.

The piano trilled and the actor portraying Harry began to sing.

"_Underneath these stairs, I hear the sneers and feel the glares_

_of my cousin, my uncle, and my aunt."_

Harry groaned and hid his face in his hands. The Slytherins laughed with malicious glee. Malfoy was rolling on the floor.

"Well, you're a very good singer, Harry," said Ginny consolingly.

"Thanks," Harry mumbled.

The actor continued to sing:

"_Can't believe how cruel they are, and it stings my lightning scar_

_to know they'll never, ever give me what I want."_

"Oh, it 'stings your lightning scar', eh, Harry?" howled Fred.

"Shut up," Harry hissed.

"_I know I don't deserve these_

_stupid rules made by the Dursleys_

_here on Privet Drive._

_Can't take all of these Muggles,_

_but despite all of my struggles,_

_I'm still alive!"_

_Dumbledore, why would you do this to me?_ thought Harry despondently as the students continued to hoot and chortle.

"_I'm sick of summer and this waiting around._

_Man, it's September and I'm skippin' this town._

_Hey, it's no mystery!_

_There's nothin' here for me now…_

_I gotta get back to Hogwarts!"_

"Harry" jumped up from his suitcase with a big, cheesy smile on his face.

"_I gotta get back to school!_

_I gotta get myself to Hogwarts!_

_Where everyone thinks I'm cool!"_

"Harry" straightened his tie with an air of swagger. Everyone was laughing at the "where everyone thinks I'm cool" line. "You're such a douchebag, Potter!" snickered Pansy Parkinson.

"Another ten points from Slytherin!" cried McGonagall.

"_Back to witches and wizards and magical beasts!_

_To goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts._

_It's all that I love and it's all that I need,_

_at Hogwarts. Hogwarts._

_I think I'm goin' back!"_

"Aw, Ha-wee woves his schoo-wul!" Fred teased Harry in a baby voice. Harry shoved him. "Ten points from Gryffindor," declared Snape.

"Why?!" asked Ron.

"For Mr. Potter and Mr. Weasley's altercation."

On screen, "Harry" was singing again:

"_I'll see my friends, gonna laugh 'till we cry._

_Take my Firebolt, gonna take to the sky._

_No way this year anyone's gonna die_

_and it's gonna be totally awesome!"_

"'Totally awesome?'" said Hermione. "Silly Americans."

"_I'll cast some spells with a flick of my wand._

_Defeat the Dark Arts, yeah, bring it on!_

_And do it all with my best friend Ron,_

'_cause together, we're totally awesome!"_

Suddenly, another actor in a red wig jumped onto stage along side "Harry". "_Yeah, and it's gonna be totally awesome!_ Did somebody say Ron Weasley?!"

"Oh no," groaned Ron, now burying his face, as the students burst into laughter all over again.

"Join the club, mate," grumbled Harry.

The two actor hugged. "Hey, sorry it took me so long to get here. I had to get some Floo Powder, but we gotta get going, so get your trunk, let's go," said "Ron".

"You're kind of a dope, Ron," said George.

"Where are we going?" "Harry" asked "Ron".

"To Diagon Alley, of course!" "Ron" replied.

"Cool!" said "Harry".

"Come on!"

The actors began running in place and waving their arms while chanting "Floo Powder Power! Floo Powder Power!".

"Next time we go to Diagon Alley, that's what I'm doing," said Fred.

"Ron" began to sing:

"_It's been so long, but we're goin' back._

_Don't go for work, don't go there for class."_

"You sure are tone deaf, Ronald," said Fred.

"Shut up!" snapped Ron.

"I think he's rather good," disagreed Hermione.

"Harry" said: "_Long as we're together…"_

"Ron" said: "_Gonna kick some ass!"_

"Ten points from Gryffindor!" said Snape.

"But it wasn't me!" shouted Ron.

"_And it's gonna be totally awesome!_" sang "Harry" and "Ron".

"_This year, we'll take everybody by storm._

_Stay up all night, sneak out of our dorm."_

Just then, a girl with bushy brown hair popped up behind them and sang, "_But let's not forget that we need to perform well in class if we want to pass our O.W.L.s!_"

"It's _Granger_!" shouted Malfoy, and the entire Slytherin table erupted with mirth.

Hermione stared at the screen in horror. Ron patted her on the back consolingly and said, "Well…we knew it had to come sometime."

The "Ron" on screen groaned. "God Hermione, why do you have to be such a buzz kill?!"

"Because, _guys_," said "Hermione" impatiently. "School's not all about having fun! We need to study hard if we want to be good witches and wizards!"

"Got you down to a T, don't they, Hermione?" said George.

"Hermione" started to sing. "Oh no, she sings too?" groaned the real Hermione.

"_I may be frumpy, but I'm super smart._

_Check out my grades. They're A's for a start."_

"Wait. Fake Hermione only makes 'Acceptable'?" said Ron.

"No!" snapped Hermione. "She's referring to the Muggle grading system, in which F means fail, and an A is the highest grade!"

"Okay! Sheesh," grumbled Ron.

"_What I lack in looks, well, I make up in heart, _

_And well guys, yeah, that's totally awesome."_

"She makes a good point," said Hermione, raising her head a bit higher.

"_This year I plan to study a lot-"_

"Ron" interrupted, "_That would be cool if you were actually hot!_"

"Well sorry if I'm not good looking enough for you, Ronald!" Hermione exclaimed.

"_It wasn't me_!" shouted Ron.

"Shh!" hissed McGonagall.

"_Hey Ron, c'mon, we're the only friends that she's got!"_ "Harry" said.

"Harry!" said Hermione, looking hurt.

"That's-that's not true, Hermione! Er…plenty of people like you!" said Harry quickly.

"Hmph. Yeah right." Hermione woundedly cast her eyes down at the floor.

The three started singing together.

"_And that's cool._

_And that's totally awesome._

_Yeah, it's so cool, and it's totally awesome!"_

"If they say 'totally awesome' one more time…" grumbled Ron.

"_We're sick of summer and this waiting around._

_It's like we're sitting in the lost and found._

_Don't take no sorcery_

_for anyone to see how…_

_We gotta get back to Hogwarts!_

_We gotta get back to school!_

_We gotta get back to Hogwarts_

_where everything is magic-cool!"_

"Just when we thought this couldn't get any cheesier," said Draco.

"_Back to witches and wizards and magical beasts!_

_To goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts!"_

"That's not even accurate; we don't even have goblins here," Hermione piped up. "They all work at Gringotts. Stupid Muggles!"

"Hermione, your parents are Muggles," said Ron.

"Oh, shut up, Ron!" snapped Hermione, even madder than before.

"_It's all that I love and it's all that I need, yeah_

_Hogwarts! Hogwarts! I think we're goin' back!"_

The image faded to black and the video ended.

"Well, children," said Dumbledore smiling. "Shall we watch the rest?"

"NO NO NO!" chanted Harry, Ron, and Hermione.

"YES YES YES!" cheered the rest of the school.


	2. Act 1, Scene 2

**After all the great feedback, I just had to write another chapter! Keep it comin', guys!**

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The students were all giggling and whispering about the play. "How could Dumbledore do this to us?" moaned Ron.

"What have I done to deserve this?" wailed Hermione.

"You guys think you have it bad?!" exclaimed Harry. "The whole bloody play is about me! My _name_ is in the bloody title!"

"Maybe…maybe it won't be too long a play," said Hermione hopefully.

"No dice, mate," said George. "Just heard Dumbledore say it was nearly _three hours_ long."

"Kill me!" moaned Ron.

"Ron, don't be so melodramatic," said Ginny evenly. "I'm sure it's not that bad."

But Ginny was about to eat her words.

As the second scene started, a redheaded girl ran on stage. Ginny stared at her in horror. "It's WORSE!"

"ROOOOOOON!" shouted "Ginny". She waved her wand in "Ron's" face annoyingly. "You were supposed to take me to Madam Malkin's and use those Sickles Mom gave you for my robe fitting!"

"My God, that can't possibly be what I sound like!" said Ginny, still aghast at her theatrical counterpart.

"Better believe it, little sister," said Fred. "You're a right pain in the neck."

"Uh, who's this?" said "Harry", pointing to "Ginny".

"Ah, this is stupid little dumb sister Ginny, she's a freshman," said "Ron" while "Ginny" waved dorkily at "Harry". The real Ginny whacked Ron in the head.

Ron looked beyond outraged. "IT WASN'T ME!"

"SHH!"

"What's a freshman?" Harry whispered to Hermione, since she was an expert on Muggles, apparently.

"It's like a first year," she whispered back.

"Oh," he said. "What a strange term."

"Ginny, this is Harry…Harry Potter," "Ron" continued as "Harry" shook "Ginny's" hand.

"Ginny" squeaked. "Oooh! You're Harry Potter! You're the Boy Who Lived!"

"I did _not_ sound like that when I met Harry!" fumed Ginny.

"Yeah. 'Cause you could barely put together two words in front of him!" laughed George, earning an elbow in the gut.

"Yeah, and you're Ginny," said "Harry".

"Oh, it's Ginevra," said "Ginny".

"I hate that name," grumbled Ginny.

"Sorry, what was that? Didn't hear you, _Ginevra_," said Fred, with an evil smile. He and George high-fived. Ginny elbowed George in the stomach again.

"Ouch! What was that for?!"

"Because I can't reach Fred from here!" snapped Ginny.

"Cool, Ginny's fine," said "Harry".

"Stupid sister!" said "Ron", "hexing" "Ginny", which made her squeal and hold her hands over her ears. He threw his arm around "Harry's" shoulders. "Don't crowd the famous friend!"

"Why am I your little bitch?" said Ron to Harry.

"I dunno, but if you ever call me "the famous friend" I'll have to clobber you," said Harry.

"Do you guys hear music?" said "Hermione" as some Oriental-type tune began playing.

"Music, what are you talking about?" said "Harry".

"Yeah, someone's coming," said "Ron".

Everyone slowly turned around and looked at Cho Chang.

Cho's mouth dropped open in shock. "Racists!" she exclaimed.

"Sorry, Cho," said Seamus Finnigan. "It's just that it's Asian sounding music, and you're…well…"

On the screen, three girls had stepped out on stage in a conga line. They all had their hands posed in a prayer position. The leading girl was, you guessed it, Asian.

"Is that supposed to be ME?!" exclaimed Cho in outrage. "This whole place is racist!"

"_Cho Chang! Domo arigato! Cho Chang! Gung hey fat choy chang! Happy happy New Year, Cho Chang!_" sang the three girls.

All the boys in the Great Hall whooped as the trio dropped it like it was hot on the last note and took turns slapping their bottoms. "Oh, honestly!" hissed Hermione.

"Oooh! Who's that?" said "Ginny".

"That's Cho Chang," said "Harry".

"Yeah, that's the girl Harry's been _totally_ in love with since freshman year," teased "Ron".

"That's not true," grumbled Harry. "I didn't even know her until my third year."

"Yeah, but he won't say anything to her," said "Hermione".

"Well you never tell a girl you like her; it makes you look like an idiot," said "Ron".

"True words, little bro," said Fred.

"Ginny" walked over to the Asian girl. "_Konichiwa_, Cho Chang," she said slowly, bowing. "It is good to meet you. I am _Ginny Weasley_."

"Bitch, I ain't Cho Chang!" exclaimed the Asian girl.

"Ten points from Ravenclaw!" said McGonagall.

Cho's mouth fell open. "But Professor! That's not fair! I'm not even the one who said it, she said she's not Cho Chang!"

"That's _Lavender Brown_," said "Ron". He hexed "Ginny" again. "Racist sister!"

"See?!" whined Cho. "It should be ten points from Gryffindor!"

"SHH!"

"Oh, that's all right," said the girl in the back of the line. She was tall, pretty, and had a Southern drawl. She came to the front of the stage and flashed the audience a flirty smile. "_I'm_ Cho Chang, ya'll."

"Why am I being played by an Asian girl?" said Lavender.

"More importantly, why am I being played by a hillbilly?!" exclaimed Cho.

"Miss Chang, one more outburst, and you will have to leave," threatened McGonagall.

Cho pursed her lips, crossed her arms, and sat silently smoldering in her seat.

"She is totally perfect!" gushed "Harry".

"Yeah, too bad she's dating Cedric Diggory though," said "Ron".

"What?! Who the hell is Cedric Diggory?!" exclaimed "Harry".

"Poor Cedric," sighed Hannah Abbott from the Hufflepuff table.

Suddenly, a guy, presumably Cedric, pushed through "Ron" and "Harry" and held his arms out to "Cho". "_Cho Chang! I am so in love with Cho Chang!_" He spun Cho around and held her in his arms. "_From Bangkok, to Ding Dang!_"

"Ten points from Hufflepuff for sexual innuendos!" exclaimed McGonagall.

"But I thought 'Bangkok' was the capital of Thailand," said Hannah, bewildered.

"_I'll sing my love aloud for Cho Chaaaaang!_" Cedric finished his love song. The two ran off stage together in a cheesy, lovestruck haze.

"I hate that guy, man, I hate him!" said "Harry".

Parvati Patil gasped. "Harry, have some respect for the dead!"

"I didn't say anything!" Harry protested.

"So are we gonna get those robes or not?" said "Ron" to "Ginny" impatiently.

"Okay, all right, let's go!" "Ginny" said impatiently, running off stage.

"Okay, gah! That sister," grumbled "Ron", as he and "Harry" and "Hermione" followed after her.

As they were exiting, a chunky boy with his hands in his pockets entered. "Neville, I think that's you, mate," Ron whispered to him.

Neville sighed sadly.

"Neville" walked half way across the stage and into a pair of goons, one very tall and one short. "PRESENT YOUR ARM, NERD!" roared the tall one at "Neville".

"Neville" fearfully held out his right arm. "Wha-wha-wha-"

"INDIAN BURN HEX!" shouted the tall one.

"Neville" shrieked and fell to the ground.

"Goyle! That's you!" Malfoy realized.

Goyle's brute face showed no reaction.

"I've never heard Goyle talk before," said Pansy Parkinson.

"So the other must be Crabbe then," said another Slytherin sitting by Malfoy.

"Were we talking to you?" said Malfoy sneeringly.

The other Slytherin's ears turned red as he turned back around to watch the show.

"Harry", "Ron", "Hermione", and "Ginny" came back on stage and saw what had happened to "Neville". "Crabbe and Goyle," said "Ron", as "Ginny" helped "Neville" up. "Neville" quickly ran away.

"Hey, hey, why don't you leave Neville Longbottom alone?" said "Harry" to "Goyle" and "Crabbe".

"Yep, we were right," said Ron.

"Well well well. If it isn't _Harry Potter_," growled "Goyle". "You think just because you're _famous_, you can boss everyone around!"

"I just don't think it's cool a guy your size pickin' on guys like Neville," said "Harry".

"Thanks, Harry," whispered Neville.

"Oh well you know what I think?" "Goyle" grabbed "Harry's" glasses off his face. "I think glasses ARE FOR NERDS!" And he cleanly snapped them in two. "WE HATE NERDS!"

"And girls!" added "Crabbe", pointing at "Hermione".

"Well-well you asked for it!" said "Ron", hiding behind "Hermione". "No one messes with Harry Potter, he beat the Dark Lord when he was a baby!"

"Way to be a man, Ron," said Fred.

"Alright, everyone just calm down!" said "Hermione". "_Oculus Reparo!_" she exclaimed, waving her wand and charming "Harry's" glasses back together.

"Whoa cool!" "Harry" said as the glasses were magically placed back on his face.

"I doubt they were even broken in the first place," said Hannah. She was not the sharpest pitchfork in the toolshed.

"Hermione" took "Harry's" arm. "Now let's leave these big baby childish jerks alone!"

"Stupid Mudblood," said Malfoy under his breath.

"Did someone say Draco Malfoy?" said a grandiose voice from off stage.

Malfoy's eyes went wide. "Oh no," he whispered.

An actor strode onto stage wearing a blond wig. The entire room, with the exception of Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle, exploded with laughter. Fred and George laughed the loudest of them all. Even McGonagall was having trouble keeping her composure.

Malfoy stared at the screen, aghast. "I'M A GIRL!" he shouted.

It was true. Malfoy was indeed being portrayed by a girl, to his horror.

Everyone laughed even harder. "Serves you right, _Drac-ette!_" howled Fred.

"I always knew there was something funny about that guy!" hooted George. "Sorry, I mean, _lady_!"

Malfoy, his cheeks bright red, turned and ran out the room, screaming, "MY FATHER WILL HEAR ABOUT THIS!"

Ron could barely speak, he was laughing so hard. "Su-suddenly, this play just got a whole lot better!"

Dumbledore, hiding a smile under his long white beard, turned to McGonagall. "Minerva, if you would be so kind as to fetch Mr. Malfoy. I'm afraid we cannot continue without him."

"Of-of course-Headmaster!" McGonagall said, trying not to crack up. She stood up and hurried out of the Great Hall, where her laughter could still be heard from inside.

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**Ah, poor Malfoy. Well, the little poop deserves it.**


	3. Act 1, Scene 2 & A Half

**Here's the second half of Act 1, Scene 2! New scenes every 3-5 days. Enjoy! :)**

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Five minutes later, McGonagall came back in, dragging along a surly looking Malfoy by the collar of his robes. Malfoy scowled at all the students pointing and snickering at him. "It's not funny!" he snapped.

"Thank you, Professor," said Dumbledore as McGonagall sat Malfoy back down at the Slytherin table. "Now, we shall continue."

The video began playing again. On the screen, "Ron" was saying, "What do you want, Draco?"

"Draco" turned to his two cronies standing at the side of the stage. "Crabbe, Goyle." He handed them some money from his pocket. "Be a pet and go pay for my robes, will you?"

"As if I'd ever call anyone a pet!" grumbled Malfoy.

"Shh!" hushed McGonagall, who was still standing behind him.

"Malfoy" turned back to "Harry" and the rest. "So, Potter! Back for another year at Hogwarts, are you? Maybe this year you'll wise up and hang out with a higher caliber of wizard."

"I would never affiliate myself with that pigheaded, half-blood fool," said Malfoy.

"But I remember our first year, you offered to be friends with him," Blaise Zabini pointed out.

Malfoy glowered at him. "Again, I wasn't talking to you!"

"Hey listen Malfoy," said "Harry. He, "Ron", and "Hermione" slung their arms around each other. "Ron and Hermione are my best friends in the whole world. I wouldn't trade them for anything!"

"Oh, how nice of you, Harry!" said Hermione, smiling.

"Yeah, thanks mate," added Ron.

"Ginny" tried to join in the tight group, but "Ron" pushed her away. "Jerk," grouched the real Ginny.

"Have it your way," said "Malfoy" snootily. "Wait!" he said, looking at "Ginny". "Don't tell me! Red hair, hand-me-down clothes, and a stupid complexion. You must be a Weasley!"

"Oh my God, lay off Malfoy!" "Ron" scolded. "She may be a pain in the ass, okay? But she's my pain in the ass."

Ron looked at Ginny. "Who were you calling a jerk just now?"

Ginny looked apologetic. "Okay, I take it back. You're not a jerk…all the time."

"Well, isn't this cute," mocked "Malfoy". "It's like a little loser family! Hogwarts has really gone to the dogs," he said, as the other four were walking away. "But luckily next year…I'll be transferred to Pigfarts!"

"What on Earth is Pigfarts?" said Professor Flitwick quizzically.

"Oh nothing," said Dumbledore, "just some nonsense the Muggles made up."

But secretly, Dumbledore was worried. Pigfarts was supposed to be a secret! Very few wizards knew about it. How did the Muggles find out?

"_This year, you bet, gonna get out of here._

_The reign of Malfoy is drawing near._

_I'll have the greatest wizard career…_

_It's gonna be totally awesome!"_

Malfoy rolled his eyes as his depiction shot the "rock on" gesture.

"_Look out world, for the dawn of the day_

_when everyone will do WHATEVER I SAY!_

_And Potter won't be in my way,_

_and then I'll be the one who is totally awesome!"_

"_YEAH, YOU'LL BE THE ONE THAT IS TOTALLY AWESOME!"_ roared "Goyle".

The sound of a train whistle was heard from offstage, and "Hermione" cried, "Come on, we're gonna miss the train!"

All the students rushed back on stage and formed two columns. They all stepped in tandem, moving their arms and legs like a human train. The ensemble sang,

"_Who knows how fast this year's gonna go?_

_Hand me a glass, let the butterbeer flow!"_

"_Maybe at last, I'll talk to Cho!_" added "Harry".

"_Oh no, that'd be way too awesome!_" said "Ron".

"_We're back to learn everything that we can,_

_it's great to come back to where we began,_

_and here we are! And alakazam!_

_Here we go, this is totally awesome!"_

The students disbanded from their train arrangement and placed several benches on the stage. They began snapping their fingers to the beat.

"_Come on, teach us everything you know._

_The summer's over and we're itchin' to go!"_

"_I think we're ready for,_" said Neville, "_Albus Dumbledore!_"

"_Ahhhhhhhh!_" The students arched their arms and took their seats, revealing an actor in long maroon robes, a matching cap, and a white beard.

"IT'S DUMBLEDORE!" exclaimed the real students excitedly, bursting into applause. "DUMBLEDORE! DUMBLEDORE!" chanted the Wealsey twins. Dumbledore smiled, stood up, and bowed.

"_Welcoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooome all of you to Hogwarts!_" sang "Dumbledore", embellishing the "o" in "welcome". "_I welcome all of you to school! Did you know that here at Hogwarts, we've got a hidden swimming pool?_"

"Albus, how did those Muggles know about the pool?" whispered McGonagall.

Fred poked George. "How have you and me not found that yet?"

"_Welcome, welcome, welcome, Hogwarts!_

_Welcome hotties, nerds, and tools!_

_Now that I've got you here at Hogwarts…_

I'd like to go over just a couple of rules."

"Dumbledore" gestured to himself with his wand. "I am Albus Dumbledore, and I am Headmaster of Hogwarts! You can all call me…Dumbledore. Suppose you could also call me Albus if you wanted detention," he added. "I'm just kidding, I'll expel ya if you call me Albus." All the children laughed.

The students once more, began to sing.

"_Back to witches and wizards and magical beasts!_

_To goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts!_

_It's all that I love and it's all that I need_

_at Hogwarts! Hogwarts!_

_Back to spells and enchantments, potions and friends!"_

"_To Gryffindor_!" The Gryffindor table cheered.

"_Hufflepuff_!" The Hufflepuff table cheered.

"_Ravenclaw_!" The Hufflepuff table cheered.

"_Slytherin_!" And, as you might have guessed, the Slytherin table cheered.

"_Back to the place where our story begins!_

_At Hogwarts! Hogwarts!"_

"I'm sorry, what's its name?" said "Dumbledore".

"_Hogwarts! Hogwarts!"_

"I didn't hear you kids!"

"_Hogwarts! Hogwarts!"_

"Man, I'm glad I'm back!" shouted "Harry".

All the students thrust their wands into the air on the last note. The Hogwarts students cheered and applauded wildly. "Hogwarts! Hogwarts! Hogwarts!" they chanted.

Ron turned to Harry. "Still hate this play?"

"Not a bit!"


	4. Act 1, Scene 3

**Hello, all you lovelies! If you haven't noticed, I split the longer scenes in half. I hope this isn't a problem. And again, thank you for reading! :-***

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The students quickly quieted down as the play began again. On the screen, the cast was sitting down on benches on the sides of the stage, with "Dumbledore" in the middle. "Welcome to another magical year at Hogwarts!" he said. "And a very special welcome to my favorite student, Mister Harry Potter!"

"Oh, look," said Malfoy. "Dumbledore mollycoddling Potter. That's one thing true to real life, even if nothing else in this play is."

"He killed Voldemort when he was just a baby," "Dumbledore" continued to gush, "he's even got that lightning scar on his forehead to prove it."

Harry subconsciously rubbed his scar as he tried to ignore the sneering Slytherins.

"Dumbledore" went on. "And another very special welcome to our newest addition to Gryffindor, Mister Ginny, excuse me, _Missus_ Ginny Weasley!"

Everyone laughed. Ginny turned scarlet.

"Ginny" on stage stood up. "Yeah, I'm a girl, and, um, also, aren't we supposed to be sorted be a _Sorting_ Hat?"

"Well, um, a funny thing happened to the Sorting Hat," said "Dumbledore". "He actually got hitched with another piece of enchanted clothing."

"Is that even possible?" said Ron.

"I don't…I don't know, I'm really just lost at this point," said Hermione.

"So he and the Scarf of Sexual Preference," said "Dumbledore", "aren't going to be back until next year!"

McGonagall gasped. "Albus! They know about the Scarf, too?!"

"Hush, Minerva," whispered Dumbledore. "No one must ever know about that. _Ever_."

"Basically I've just been putting everybody who looks like a good guy into Gryffindor, anybody who looks like a bad guy into Slytherin, and the other two can just go wherever the hell they want, I don't really care," said "Dumbledore".

"That's pretty much how the Hat does it anyway," said Fred.

"Children, do not underestimate the tradition of the Sorting Ceremony!" announced McGonagall. "It is a time honored ritual, and should not be taken lightly!"

"But what if we didn't have a Sorting Hat, Professor?" said Lavender Brown. "Then we all could be friends, and maybe we wouldn't have enmity between Houses." A few people around her nodded in agreement.

"Why that's preposterous!" declared Professor Flitwick in his squeaky voice. "Letting the children decide who they interact with! Have you read _Lord of the Flies_?"

"But don't you want us to break the status quo?" said Dean Thomas.

"Enough," said Dumbledore calmly. "Let us continue with the play."

Everybody sighed and grumbled their resignation.

"I wouldn't want to mingle with anyone but purebloods anyway," mumbled Malfoy.

"Cedric" stood up. "Hufflepuffs are particular good _find_ers," he said.

"What the hell is a Hufflepuff?" said Dumbledore.

Everyone, except the Hufflepuff table, cracked up. The Hufflepuffs looked sad. "I thought we were the nice ones," said Hannah Abbott.

"No, they're the dumb ones," Ron whispered to Harry, sniggering.

"I heard that! Ten points from Gryffindor!" said McGonagall. "Hufflepuff is a fine house to be Sorted into. Don't forget Mr. Diggory's bravery in the Triwizard Tournament."

The Hufflepuffs looked slightly happier.

"Anyway," said "Dumbledore". "It's time now for me to introduce my very good friend, our own Potions professor-"

"Oh dear Dark Lord," muttered Snape.

"-Mister Severus Snape!" finished "Dumbledore".

Everybody gasped. "Snape!"

"Aw man, not _Snape_!" whined "Ron". "I thought they fired that guy!"

"What's the big deal?" said "Ginny".

"Uh, because he's horrible!" said "Ron". All the Gryffindors laughed at this. Snape was smoldering.

"Snape" came out on stage. Everybody (except the Slytherins) exploded with laughter.

"Snape" was a guy in a long black robe, with a thick black wig, and had his teeth bared like they were too big for his face. _That doesn't look like me_, thought Snape.

"Doesn't look like Snape," said Fred. "Nose is way too small!"

Meanwhile, "Harry" was saying, "C'mon Ron, he's really not that bad-"

"HARRY POTTER!" said Snape. Everybody laughed again, because the actor's voice was way different from the real Snape's.

"Detention," declared "Snape".

"Harry" stood up. "What?!"

"For talking out of turn," said Snape.

"Oh wow, it really is Snape," said George.

"Now, before we begin," said "Snape", "I'm going to give you all your very, very first pop quiz."

Everyone groaned, except "Hermione", who looked absolutely enthralled. "That part's accurate, too," said Ron.

"Can anyone tell me what a Portkey is?" said "Snape".

"Ooh!" "Hermione"shot her hand up in the air and waved it.

"Yes, Miss Granger?" said "Snape".

"A Portkey is an enchanted object that when touched can transport the one or ones who touch it to anywhere on the globe decided upon by the enchanter," said "Hermione" all in one breath. The real Hermione mouthed the words along with her counterpart.

"Very good," said "Snape". "Now, can anyone tell me what 'foreshadowing' is?...Yes, Miss Granger?"

"Foreshadowing is a dramatic device in which an important plot point is mentioned early in the story to return later in a dynamic way," said "Hermione". She smiled perkily.

"I thought it was like the Dementor's Kiss or something, why the bloody hell are they talking about Muggle literary terms?" said Ron.

"Perfect," said "Snape".

"Uh, what was a Portkey again?" said "Ron", his mouth stuffed with food.

"A Portkey is something that when you touch it, it will transport you anywhere,"  
"Hermione" repeated.

"My God, am I really that bad?!" said Hermione.

"YES," said the entire Great Hall.

"And remember," said "Snape", "a Portkey can be a sort of seemingly harmless object, like a…football, or…a dolphin."

"But sir," said some unnamed actress. "Can like, a person be a Portkey?"

"No, that's absurd," said Snape. "Why, if a person were to…_touch themselves_…" "Snape" dramatically looked at "Ron".

"Oh my God," said Hermione disgustedly. "Is he talking about-"

"Yep," said Harry.

Everybody laughed at Ron. Especially the Slytherins. "I-I don't do that!" exclaimed Ron, his red face matching his hair.

"These Muggles are so vulgar, Albus," said McGonagall. "Are you sure it was a wise decision to show this play to the students?"

"It's quite all right, Minerva," said Dumbledore. "I'm sure these children hear worse subjects on the television."

"…they would instantly be transported to another place," continued "Snape". "A person can, however, be a Horcrux."

"What's a-what's a Horcrux?" asked "Harry".

"I'm not even going to tell you, Harry, you'll find out soon enough," said "Snape", smiling mysteriously.

"Wow," said Harry. "That statement pretty much sums up my _entire life_."

"Professor, what is the point of this quiz?" asked "Hermione".

"Probably just so fake Snape can be a git," mumbled Ron.

"Oh no, no point in particular," said "Snape". "Just important information that _everyone_ should know." Snape not-so-inconspicuously gestured to the audience. "Especially you."

"Now moving right along, there are four houses in all: Gryffindor." The real Gryffindors cheered with the ones on screen. "Ravenclaw." The Ravenclaws cheered. "Hufflepuff-"

"Find!" shouted "Cedric".

"What?" said "Snape", looking quizzical.

"I don't get it," whispered Hannah. "What's so funny about the word 'find'?"

"And Slytherin," "Snape" concluded.

"YEAH!" shouted the Slytherins, letting out a small hiss noise.

"What the hell was that?" said Malfoy.

"Traditionally points are given for good behavior and deducted for rule breaking," explained "Snape". "Example: ten points from Gryffindor!"

"What? Why?" exclaimed the Gryffindors.

"For Miss Granger's excessive babyfat," said "Snape", pinching "Hermione's" cheeks.

"Thanks, Hermione!" griped "Harry" and "Ron".

Hermione looked aghast. "I am not fat!"

"Please, Granger, when you sit around the library, you really sit _around_ the library," said Draco. The Slytherins laughed maliciously. Hermione looked down at the floor, trying to hide tears.

"Enough! Ten points from Slytherin!" scolded McGonagall.

"Traditionally, the House with the most points at the end of the year would win the House Cup," "Snape" went on to say. "However this year we're doing things a bit differently." He grinned mischieviously. "Here to introduce it is our new Professor of the Dark Arts…Professor Quirrell!"

The Great Hall gasped.


End file.
